Rules number 4 and 5
Rule #4
Don't make me slap you.
Rule #5
How to greet someone
Hugging. Women can hug women, women can hug men. Men do not hug other men. If you are extremely close to the other man – say, you fought the Taliban together in Afghanistan – you may give the “guy hug.” The guy hug is performed by shaking hands, keeping the hands together as you left arm goes up around the other man’s shoulder and you lean in with your shoulders. Your feet and pelvis should remain back where they would be during just a handshake.
Actually, that goes for women hugging men, as well. Unless you know the guy in the carnal sense (or want to), you hug with your shoulders. You should avoid pressing your boobs against him and your pelvic region shouldn’t even factor into the hug. I think this is an American thing, because when my female friends from other countries hug, they always give a full body hug which, while exciting and fun, can lead to confusing situations and unwanted arousal.
Kissing. You know what? Kissing should be regulated the same way as full body hugging – not required unless you are planning to make a move on the person. I don’t want a kiss on the cheek unless you buy me dinner first. No kissing.
Hand shaking. This is your go-to greeting – the old standby. Which doesn’t mean some of you aren’t so bad at shaking hands your attempt resembles a monkey humping a football. First, it’s not a contest of strength, Arnold. There’s no need to prove you’ve been lifting weights and sprinkling anabolic steroids all over your cornflakes – everyone will have already noticed that you no longer have a neck. On the other hand, don’t leave a limp wrist and hand out there that will make people question your sexuality (and, as with most rules of etiquette, the main point is to prove to people you aren’t gay and the second point is to not catch The Gay). Women can shake hands pretty much however they want and get away with it, although I still don’t suggest the power crush grip.
Waving and variations. This is a very complicated subject in and of itself, so I will need to save this explanation for a time when it can be its own entry. There are so many variables that I don’t even know where to start. Physical location, how well you know someone, etc. Really, it’s a nightmare that we should probably be working to destroy - there are too many ways to mess this up. When is a wave acceptable? When is a head nod ok? When do I need to stop and talk to someone? What is my obligation to wave if I'm walking toward someone I know I am going to actually speak to? It's all very complicated and I don't want to get into it today.
Because I'm lazy, that's why.
Don't make me slap you.
Rule #5
How to greet someone
Hugging. Women can hug women, women can hug men. Men do not hug other men. If you are extremely close to the other man – say, you fought the Taliban together in Afghanistan – you may give the “guy hug.” The guy hug is performed by shaking hands, keeping the hands together as you left arm goes up around the other man’s shoulder and you lean in with your shoulders. Your feet and pelvis should remain back where they would be during just a handshake.
Actually, that goes for women hugging men, as well. Unless you know the guy in the carnal sense (or want to), you hug with your shoulders. You should avoid pressing your boobs against him and your pelvic region shouldn’t even factor into the hug. I think this is an American thing, because when my female friends from other countries hug, they always give a full body hug which, while exciting and fun, can lead to confusing situations and unwanted arousal.
Kissing. You know what? Kissing should be regulated the same way as full body hugging – not required unless you are planning to make a move on the person. I don’t want a kiss on the cheek unless you buy me dinner first. No kissing.
Hand shaking. This is your go-to greeting – the old standby. Which doesn’t mean some of you aren’t so bad at shaking hands your attempt resembles a monkey humping a football. First, it’s not a contest of strength, Arnold. There’s no need to prove you’ve been lifting weights and sprinkling anabolic steroids all over your cornflakes – everyone will have already noticed that you no longer have a neck. On the other hand, don’t leave a limp wrist and hand out there that will make people question your sexuality (and, as with most rules of etiquette, the main point is to prove to people you aren’t gay and the second point is to not catch The Gay). Women can shake hands pretty much however they want and get away with it, although I still don’t suggest the power crush grip.
Waving and variations. This is a very complicated subject in and of itself, so I will need to save this explanation for a time when it can be its own entry. There are so many variables that I don’t even know where to start. Physical location, how well you know someone, etc. Really, it’s a nightmare that we should probably be working to destroy - there are too many ways to mess this up. When is a wave acceptable? When is a head nod ok? When do I need to stop and talk to someone? What is my obligation to wave if I'm walking toward someone I know I am going to actually speak to? It's all very complicated and I don't want to get into it today.
Because I'm lazy, that's why.
posted by Strange Biller at 8:58 AM
13 Comments:
Today I met and shook hands with this girl. I'm a neanderthal and I figured, okay, this is a dainty delicate young lady, I'm going to make sure not to be too rough. And then damned if the chick didn't effing crush my hand's bones into powder with that grip. My hand still kinda hurts.
Maybe it IS the whole other-country thing, but where I come from you're lucky if women, and many men, don't just unzip and drop pants as a sign of salutational affection the first time they meet you. Or unlucky, if you want to look at it that way.
I'm an Englishman with American and Eastern European friends I met over the internet and other places. I have no fucking cultural context whatsoever when it comes to knowing how to greet people. None.
when my female friends from other countries hug, they always give a full body hug which, while exciting and fun, can lead to confusing situations and unwanted arousal.
I'll, uh, bear this in mind.
(there's giggling going on)
"unwanted" arousal may be too strong a word. How about "inappropriate" arousal?
Dude, you're up on about 99.9% of the male population if you're able to categorise *any* arousal as "inappropriate".
If you could come and have a quick word with a couple of the creepy guys on the tube it'd be helpful. *blergh*
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