More Etiquette Lessons With Professor Henry Biller

This week's entry is rushed and poorly edited (by which I mean, not edited at all). You probably won't be able to tell the difference from an average entry.

Rule #3 – Men’s room behavior

In case you lack a penis and the appropriate disguises to infiltrate the men’s room, you ladies may be unaware that there are extremely important guidelines which must be followed at all times and with the precision of a guided missile (Ha! Look - the first double entendre of the column!).

To begin with, when you first enter the men’s room to take a leak, you are faced with the immediate decision of which urinal to choose. If there are three urinals, you must chose one of the end two. That way if another man shows up after you, he won’t have to stand right next to you, as he will be free to use the other end urinal. If a man is already using the middle urinal when you enter the bathroom, you are advised, but not required, to use the stall. If there are two urinals, you are free to choose either one; however, should a man already be using one, it is advised, although not required, that you use the stall. If there is only one urinal and someone is already using it, you must use the stall, because the only other option is to pee on the back of his legs, and this is almost universally considered to be bad form. (I’m sad that I have to describe peeing on someone as “almost” always a bad thing.)

Which segues nicely into our next point: Do not stand in line and wait for a urinal when there are other options open, i.e., another urinal or an empty stall. It’s just creepy.

In those situations where you absolutely must pee standing next to someone (a club or ball game where all urinals and stalls are in constant use), you are to step forward toward the urinal, keep your eyes glued to the spot on the wall in front of you and for the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE. Hell, you shouldn’t even look at your own junk, let alone strike up a conversation with the guy next to you. This is just a common sense guy rule for all times – do not strike up a conversation with anyone who has a penis in his/her hand. It’s either his own, which leaves the conversation one sided and awkward, or it’s someone else’s, and while I have no personal experience with this, I’m pretty sure it would make for an even more awkward conversation.

The obvious exception being that it is ok to talk to someone who has your penis in his/her hand. You may, however, wish to restrict your comments to talking dirty and avoid discussing last night’s ballgame, etc.

Moving right along….

Should you need to use the stall for its intended purpose of dropping the kids off at the pool, you’re pretty much on your own with whatever freaky weird paranoid routine you have of lining the seat with toilet paper, wiping it down with a portable Lysol wipe you carry in your pocket – whatever it takes to put you in the mood, Skipper. There are only two rules to follow. First, you are required to lock the stall door. It may seem obvious, but too many men just pull the door shut which leaves the chance that another man will just pull the door open, putting him at risk for an accidental penis viewing, which, as we all know, is the easiest way to catch The Gay.

Second, when you are alone in the bathroom, sitting on the hopper and you hear the door open, you are required to rustle some toilet paper, rattle your belt buckle or cough to alert the other man to your presence. Why? So he doesn’t start doing something freaky before he discovers you are there. I don’t even want to get into the number of freaky things he could be doing. If the internet has taught me one only one thing, it’s that my own fairly perverted sexual fantasies look like Amish porn compared to some of the things people desire.

Last, when you are done with your business, wash your hands and get the fuck out. There is no reason to hang around in there – leave that to the ladies. Public men’s rooms are dirty, filthy places where men take their pee-pees out – it’s not a place to discuss a work problem or the latest trend in music. Every minute you spend in there increases the likely-hood that you already have The Gay or you’ll soon contract it.

Next time: The proper way to greet and say good-bye.